Cookies and Capacitors

I need to make some life changes

Sat, Apr 21, 2012 at 6:45PM

What the fuck have I been doing for the past year? Well, I’ve been wasting most of my life, for starters. I’ve let my ego get in the way of any success I might have had. I’ve lost friends because of my actions (or should I say, my inactions). Now, I realize, I need to make a change.

It feels like I was playing the part of Leonardo DiCaprio in Shutter Island. I’ve been in my own little world, thinking thoughts that aligned to reality, but really, they did not. For instance, I thought my bonds with friends had become weaker because they all went to college and forgot about poor, little, me. Now, I’ve come to the realization that my beliefs were false – it was me who caused my relationships to weaken – I was too caught up in my own, increasingly antisocial, world to realize what was truly occurring. I wish I could go back; I wish I could punch myself so hard, I’ll feel it all the way back to last September.

I caught a glimpse of this while I was on, and continuing after, my USA tour. I saw that friendships needed actual work, on both sides, to make them work. I was selfish before this; I was greedy and felt entitled to those relationships without effort. I assumed they didn’t want to see me, when in fact, I didn’t just go see them (I could have easily done this). I didn’t realize that, perhaps, they couldn’t come see me because they’re all college students, with priorities and assignments, most likely without a car. I feel pathetic that I just came to find this out, today; it’s shameful.

My ego – my fucking huge, bumbling ego – has probably hurt those that I care about. I talk in the sense that it’s separate from me, because it died last night. It hurt me, my friends, probably anyone who knew me. It’s, in my honest opinion, for the better that it’s gone. I must be more careful not to let any of this happen again.